Saturday, October 17, 2009

saying no

I just officially dropped out of doggie training class. For now, at least... I am hoping that I can at least audit the last few classes at some future date. Timing of the classes, and finding time to work with the pup, just were not even close to optimal.. they were just not happening.

It was hard to just shoot off the email without explanation other than reassurance that I was not an unhappy customer. But I think I am going to have to learn to do this, and to learn to make more "maybe" commitments as time rolls on.

You see, my specialty through the years has been "no matter what" commitments... it happens or I MAKE it happen. But things change and that isn't working now.

It might very well have something to do with working 3 jobs. Might have something to do with two of them being client/customer driven (and there I am not willing to give up the "no matter what" commitment; that's just how I do business!) And then there is my getting back to a seasonal /agricultural lifestyle. This has proven to be a thorn in the side of my interactions with the larger community before, when folks don't understand that "there is a time to sow and a time to reap" isn't just metaphor.

And add on top of that, a partner whose health is waning, steadily and significantly -- despite finally having decent medical care. It may not sound like much, but this time last year, he could sit at the computer all day long, doing research, playing WOW or the like and could rouse sufficient energy to do household and other tasks as needed. A year before that, even the task of laying carpet in our small office reception area (which, by the way, was a bear and a half of a job!) was just one of the tasks he did during the day. Yes, he complained of the pain... but he could do it.

Now, he gets winded just walking to the garage; cannot stay awake during the day and even with naps cannot summon the energy, strength or endurance to do much. Putting away the dishes is a major job (though he can still do it at some point during the day) He often says that he used to be "a planner and a do-er" but now can be neither, and that is pretty much dead on. His thinking is affected sufficiently that he must pick and choose times in which he has sufficient clarity to plan out a simple project like designing a replacement for the back steps. One's afternoon's work (with my help) got the boards for the sides cut to size. Assembly of the sides will also need my help, as will cutting and attaching the steps.

So, not only must I deal with the psychological aspects of his decline, there is little that must be done here on he ol' homestead that my hands don't end up having to touch.

And meanwhile, there are still leeks (25') and Brussels sprouts (100') and carrots and beets (just a few) remaining in the garden, as well as all the tall stuff which must be whacked down with the scythe, perennials that much be mulched (with SOMETHING... I wonder if I can still get some of that mulch hay and where the $ is coming from to buy it...)

And while I never thought I was much of a "schedule" person, I am finding that K's total lack of schedule... of falling asleep randomly... being awake randomly... is throwing me for a loop. Just simple stuff like eating.. if I make enough for 2, and it is not something that can "hold" will it be waste? If I make enough for one, chances are about the time I sit down to eat, he's awake! And I do try to keep him eating healthy, trying to buy good stuff and not empty calorie junk, it is hard to keep grab and eat food around that is good for a diabetic.

Sorry about the whine... sometimes it just helps to write as I try to figure out the balance point here.

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