Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Year Of...

In the vein of several of my daughters, who have written their characterizations of the past and the coming years, I feel a need to try to frame the coming year in a positive light.

Feeling as I have the past few weeks/months, it would be very easy for me to look at this as the year of "I can't..." This old age thing seems to come to my family suddenly, like one day you are fine and young (or maybe not quite so young, but still vigorous and strong) and then you wake up and you are not. You cannot carry like you could, cannot lift like you could. You hurt, sometimes with purpose (from that lifting and carrying) and sometimes just hurt. Nothing quite works right/the same any more...

I remember my mom commenting on such things. Not sure about Grandma, as I only knew her when she was old, and though she did many things, she did them slowly and with purpose (or, looking back with current eyes, pain.)

Well I have come, it seems, to that point.

And it is trying to drag me into the depression thoughts of "too late"... NOW I have a home to work on, and land begging to be put into service more than lawn. I have art that I love to do and jobs that satisfy me. And I wonder how I will manage to fix the house and till/plant/weed/harvest/put by what the land will provide.

And even as my aching body complains at carrying the cat food to the closet, my mind races to the snowshoes and the equally heavy bucket of litter to be dragged/carried out across the fields for dumping later today and the walk around the land with which I follow this cat tending ritual.

I look out at my snow-covered fields and wonder "how?" and in that wondering is the germ of how I will frame this year... The Year of Finding How.

Some of the Hows will likely require getting some stuff -- a small tractor is high in the wish/want list... one with a tiller. But if the PTB choose to match me up with a smaller walk-behind tiller, so be it. It will not work to be dependent on hired help for much of this -- for the budget and for my being at odds with the way gardens are traditionally planted here (all of a piece, after Memorial Day.)

Some of the others will likely require re-thinking... as much as I would like a wood stove, is it a good idea when I can no longer lift a maul? Cut my own wood? How do propane space heaters (wall mounted) compare?

Some will likely require longer than I would like (such as insulating the place, re-roofing, getting a greenhouse in...) due to time, money and physical issues.

But while you may see me shed a tear now and then (they are close at present) I vow to not give in to the "can't" and instead to valiantly and constantly push them to the side to focus on the HOWs.

Anyone got a small toboggan-type childs sled they are not using? If it would hold my cat-droppings-bucket, it would make dumping the litter a fun chore!

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